Today on TITCFTIHEH: Team Edward vs Team Jacob

For the uninitiated, Twilight started off as a series of books by Stephanie Meyer. It is about some shell of a teenager (Bella) who falls in love with a vampire (Edward) and a shape shifter/werewolf (Jacob). But seriously, if you haven't heard of Twilight, get out some more, or watch the news... just fuck, do something with other people. It has been extremely popular because of how it appeals teenage girls (and tweens? What a stupid name). It presents a teenage girl who is going through all the normal stuff teenage girls go through, so anyone can see themselves in that role. Then it presents ultra hot (and in the book they provide ultra detailed accounts of aforementioned hotness so chicks can smash themself over it or something) love interests. One being a vampire, the other being a shape shifter/werewolf thing (he is a werewolf, but can turn into a were wolf at any time, as opposed to only being in the full moon). In the movies these two males are played by ridiculously attractive (or so I hear) guys.

In the second movie these two are sort of fighting for Bella's love. In the first movie it was mostly Edward with a bit of Jacob in the mix, but in the second movie Edward leaves for a bit beacuse he totally bitched out, and Jacob gets in there for some A-Grade snatch. Twilight fans have thought it would be a good idea to put themselves into teams. Team Edward, and Team Jacob. The basic gist of the team thing is that they are both going for Bella, and probably also which one is the hottest. There are t-shirts you can buy and wear (and get laughed at by other people), and there are debates all over the internet. Just go and check out Yahoo Answers for some gold. There are literally hundreds of questions posted on the topic, with many replies in each. Here are a few from one page (I seriously could not put up with reading the sheer amount of absolute tripe that were on those pages).

book wormm. o_O. :) <33 says: "Team Edward Hands Down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jacob is such a jerk, kissing her against her will like that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! who does that but a total jerkkkkkk thats an esy question to answer, Edward EVERY time!!!!!!!!!"

Go with the flow says: "ITS SO HARD TO PICK! OK... WELL EDWARD DUH. BUT THEN I FEEL BAD FOR JACOB! EDWARD IS SO UNDERSTANDING AND ALL... AND JACOB CARES FOR HER FEELINGS. EDWARDS CARE FOR PROECTION."

I'm not exactly sure how stupider I got by reading that, but I'm pretty sure that I really do care about Rann's sexual life, and appreciate the amount of media coverage it has got. But seriously, why the fuck do they feel the need to spam the key that they are pressing at the time, or to use all caps. Do they think that typing like that will mean Edward will come out to their house and be all like, "yeah baby, i love your complete lack of literacy skills, let me insert my penis into your vagina, and then we can cuddle until the sun comes up".

Anyway, now for the crazy bit. Why the fuck are there are any people in Team Edward? Jacob is a mother fucking werewolf. Just let that sink in for a minute. He doesn't take cheek from anyone, and fucks shit up whenever he pleases. If you asked Jacob what the time was, he would rip you a new ballsack, and if you were a female, he would give you a ballsack, and then rip it right the fuck off. If you helped him out on the street, he would be so thankful that he would only eat your heart whilst you watch, rather than cutting your head off and making you watching whilst he shits down your neck.

The only good thing that comes to mind when I hear the word vampires is Kate Beckinsale in Underworld.

Mmm. I think I have a boner.

Other than that they seem like pansy bitches who suck blood. They would rather surrender than take out the trash. "Oh look at me, I suck blood and get killed by silver, garlic, something going through my heart, and when you look at me meanly. Please don't hurt me." Werewolves would come along and screw up their day so hard they would be able to write a thesis on how they actually twisted the space-time continuum from how much pain they put down on the vampires.

See this table for more scientific proof vampires are stupid, and werewolves are awesome.

Fuck yeah double negatives

So yeah. Werewolves are face-smashingly awesome, whilst vampires enjoy crying over the latest Oprah episode.


But seriously, it's pretty fucking gay. Balls touching gay.

Gayer than this. 

Edit: DISREGARD THAT. TWILIGHT SUCKS COCKS. LOL.